A group of people sit in a circle and listen to a man talk about how to stage an intervention

Understanding The Dangerous Relationship Between Codependency and Addiction

Addiction and codependent behavior often go hand in hand.  Codependency is known as “relationship addiction,” because it affects a person’s ability to have a healthy, balanced relationship with someone else. According to Mental Health America (MHA), “People with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided and emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”

The codependency disorder was first identified as a result of years of studying the interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. The studies showed that spouses of alcoholics shared common traits, and that the relationship between alcoholics and their spouses can affect their recovery. It was revealed that spouses of alcoholics derived a sense of purpose and self-worth from caring for their addicted partners. They felt important and necessary.  Because of the enablement this dynamic encourages, their partners are able to ignore their alcoholism and continue their addiction. Codependency is a mutual dependence an addict and his or her loved one has with each other’s dysfunction.

There are two types of personalities that exist within a codependent relationship: the manipulator and the enabler.

“The Manipulator” is the addicted person. They learn and express effective ways to manipulate someone in order to get a desired result.

“The Enabler” is a passive role.  They either knowingly or unknowingly support the manipulator’s behavior.  In order to satisfy the needs of the manipulator, the enabler will comply with their demands and threats. The enabler will generally be a “people-pleaser” who will put their relationship with someone else above their own interests, most often to the detriment of both parties. This person can seem to be loving and helpful.  They will accept apologies from the manipulator, clean up their messes, and make excuses for them.

It’s important to note that being an enabler doesn’t cause someone’s addiction.  However, recognizing that a codependent relationship is present is pivotal in the recovery process. Tell-tale signs of codependency include: an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others, a tendency to do more than one’s share in a relationship, always taking the blame (martyrdom), fear of being abandoned or alone, feeling hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts, the extreme need for approval, having weak/no boundaries, feeling guilty when asserting themselves, confusing love and pity, the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue, having difficulty adjusting to change and identifying their own feelings.

Enablers will think they are helping or caring, but their actions are actually making the addiction worse. Below is a list of things enablers usually do that are detrimental to recovery:

  • Lending the addicted loved one money – usually that money will be spent on drugs or alcohol.
  • Offering an addicted person a place to live so they won’t be on the street.  This is protecting them from the consequences of their drug use.
  • Taking care of an inebriated spouse such as putting pajamas on them and getting them into bed.  This is saving them from the embarrassment of their behavior.
  • Covering up or making excuses for your loved one’s behavior. This can include lying to neighbors, friends, or even your children.

Codependent relationships tend to develop patterns that grow progressively worse and more dangerous over time. Addiction usually becomes more severe, while anxiety and depression increase for their loved ones. Recovery from co-occurring codependency and addiction requires specialized and specific treatment.  Dual diagnosis programs offer proven methods such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) designed to address these conditions.  Counseling services are also a vital part of recovery and can help a person process emotions, behaviors, and triggers that are part of their specific pattern of addiction and codependency.

If you or a loved one needs support with addiction and/or codependency, Recovery Ways wants to help. Please call us today at 1-888-986-7848.