There’s a saying in AA that goes, “Your best thinking is what got you here.” Studies have shown that intelligence is no protection against substance use disorders. In fact, the opposite may be true. People with above average IQs are more prone to substance use and addiction. Clearly, intelligence can’t do much for you when battling addiction, but emotional intelligence can. Emotional intelligence comprises your ability to accurately perceive your emotions and those of others, the ability to manage those emotions, and the ability to read emotional signals within a relationship. These skills are vital for anyone recovering from addiction or mental illness and they will all be developed to a certain degree in therapy. The focus will depend on exactly what conditions you are trying to improve. Someone with depression, for example, might focus on reframing negative thoughts, while someone with borderline personality disorder might focus on interpersonal effectiveness. However, all the skills of emotional intelligence can improve your recovery and help you live a better life. Here are some ways to improve your emotional intelligence.
Build self-awareness.
Building self-awareness is perhaps the hardest skill to master. We assume we know what we think and feel and why better than anyone else, but we are often mistaken. We are masters of deluding ourselves. Our assessment of our abilities is a strange mix of wild optimism and brutal self-criticism. We are often unaware of our own operating assumptions and still less aware of how others perceive us. Remedying these distortions and blind spots is a difficult task and one we can never do perfectly. We can, perhaps, delude ourselves slightly less though. Working with a therapist is a big help. A good therapist can lead us to insights about ourselves we would have otherwise never discovered. Seeking feedback from people who know us well is another way to improve self-awareness. Studies have shown that our spouses, our siblings, and our best friends often see us more clearly than we see ourselves. The trick is to make it clear that you really want honest feedback and not just validation.
Practice listening.
We all assume we are good listeners, but often, that is not the case. Most of the time, we just wait for others to stop talking so we can share our similar but more interesting story. However, when we do this, we miss our chance to learn about other people. Most people will tell you who they are and what they want if you just listen. Giving your full attention to every person you talk to can help you build a wealth of understanding about how other people think and feel, which can improve your relationships and your own self-awareness. If you want to really practice good listening, the trick is to force yourself to ask questions. This forces you to process what the person is actually saying and dig out what’s really important. Asking questions also signals the other person that you’re interested in what he’s saying. What’s more, it’s not just a cheap signal like nodding your head, or saying, “That’s so interesting.” Asking good questions demonstrates you’re actually engaged in the conversation.
Practice empathy.
Empathy is another skill that is both important and difficult. Most people have some innate degree of empathy. If you see someone get injured badly, you probably wince. If your dog is enjoying getting her ears scratched, you probably feel happy that she’s happy. Empathy gets tricky in other situations. When you’re in conflict with someone or when you just generally feel stressed and annoyed, other people have a way of turning into obstacles. It becomes harder to see things from a different perspective. One way to improve empathy is to practice loving-kindness meditation. It’s very simple. You start by imagining someone you are very close to and you send kind thoughts toward that person, such as “May you be happy, may you be safe, may you be healthy,” and so on. Really feel that you want good things for this person you care about. Then think of someone you like, but aren’t as close to and do the same thing. Then think of a person you don’t know at all, maybe the cashier at the grocery store. Then think of someone who you don’t really like. The most important thing is to then bring this into daily life.
Learn to regulate your emotions.
Again, this is both important and difficult. Often, our emotions are halfway around the track by the time we hear the starting gun. It’s very hard to to control emotions that are already in full stride. However, learning this skill can mean the difference between recovery and relapse. Feeling overwhelmed by anger, stress, hopelessness, anxiety, or sadness can send you in a downward spiral. Regulating emotions takes a lot of practice but it can be done. The first thing is to acknowledge what your feeling and label it as accurately as possible. Don’t try to avoid it or push it away, that will only make you feel more stressed. Then, notice where you feel it. Is your chest tight? Is your jaw clenched? Take a moment to notice those feelings and notice how your big overwhelming emotion is just a collection of these feelings. Finally, take a few deep breaths. This will help you relax before you do anything else.
Learn to motivate yourself.
Some people have no problem motivating themselves and other can barely get off the couch. Most people can motivate themselves reasonably well, as long as what they’re trying to do doesn’t get too difficult. Learning to motivate yourself is especially important for anyone who suffers from depression, or anyone who has recently been through detox. These people often have very low dopamine, which is important for motivation and reward-seeking behavior. If motivation is a problem for you, there are two ways to increase it. The first is to clarify your values. When you are honest with yourself about what’s most important to you, it’s easier to find direction and make your actions align with your deepest convictions. The second thing is to keep a list of what you’ve accomplished that day. This is a subtle means of positive reinforcement when you can sit down at the end of the day and think about everything you’ve accomplished.
If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction or mental illness, we can help. Recovery Ways is a premier drug and alcohol addiction treatment facility located in Salt Lake City, Utah. We have the resources to effectively treat a dual diagnosis. Our mission is to provide the most cost-effective, accessible substance abuse treatment to as many people as possible. Request information online or call us today at 1-888-986-7848.
