I, I, I, me, me, me: The Red Flags of a Narcissist

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder (PD) that is considered the dramatic, emotional type and maladaptive symptoms are difficult for the average person to initially identify due to the excessive charm and persona they present. These PDs are often referred to as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde due to the perfected image projected to society and used as a shield to protect the narcissist from pain that may be caused by others, and the authentic nature of human beings to have flaws. The false, perfected self is presented to the world and the narcissist attempts to stuff the flawed self away or may project these disowned traits onto a target.

A narcissist rejects having flaws and will turn on the self, or others, when an imperfection is discovered, or perceived, to secure their sense of grandiosity. A foundational piece of narcissism is the desire for constant admiration, attention, and approval of others, and, like other personality disorders, NPD is grounded in the need for power and control. There is a deficit in empathy and inability to experience true remorse that leads to the self-obsessed nature of NPD. This practical description describes the mind of the “I, I, I, me, me, me” cognition of the narcissist.

The red flags of a narcissist may not be easy to see for the average person. Some narcissists have a reputation for being really “nice,” extremely charming, “too good to be true,” attach quickly, appear to make friends quickly but lack depth and intimacy in long-term friendships, appear to be a “show-off,” have a pattern of being a “victim” in past relationships, appear naïve and helpless, and conversations are mostly focused on them. They are very insecure and often project their realities of envy and jealousy onto others while aiming to protect an image and maintain power and control. They lack boundaries and often break rules, and they often align with managers or aim to develop close relationships with people in a leadership role in their workplaces. Due to their ability to be skilled at manipulating others using strategic hinting and gaslighting techniques to control outcomes, it may appear narcissists have little to no consequences in the eyes of their victims. Victims often experience emotional abuse and can be at the other end of a smear campaign if the narcissist feels the victim is a threat to their image.

Traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Victims often have strong codependent or emphatic traits that are exploited by the narcissist for power and control. In some cases, victims may experience an addiction to the narcissist because of these activated symptoms, and it can be very challenge to recover from the relationship, whether it be a romantic relationship, friendship, or work relationship. Recovery from the dynamic with the narcissist may involve healing codependency. The narcissist may also receive treatment or enter into a recovery program, but often times this is a reaction to a narcissistic injury and a way to restore their sense of grandiosity.

Some of the ways narcissists may attract someone with codependency may be the victim mentality of the narcissist. However, narcissist believe they are more superior or special than other people and may be presenting a narcissistic injury to the person with codependency that is most likely irrational, distorted, or a reaction to something the narcissist provoked in a victim. The codependency of another person creates a yearning to help the narcissist not realizing they are also being used to either hurt another or heal a narcissistic injury. Also, the narcissist likes attention, good or bad, and will use others to ensure they can get that need met. For the narcissist, image and status are placed in high regard, and they see themselves as part of the elite, more beautiful, smarter, and richer than others. To play the part better than the competition, they may partake in plastic surgery to appear more polished or falsifying past achievements or business roles to climb the next corporate ladder. In addition, they choose romantic partners with an accomplished status, find someone they perceive to be physically attractive, or someone they feel they can control, and the narcissist places a high value on material worth. They feel the need to stand out and be the center of all things, and the Narcissist may name-drop if it will get a desired reaction. With the public, they seem to build others up and promote a feeling of a closeness in new relationships with colleagues, love-interests, and others. The narcissist is known to attach quickly and create an illusion of the perfect partner or friend creating opportunities to be more vulnerable and special to the narcissist. The narcissist will go to great lengths to secure the relationship and is known to show off the supply in public and social media.

The Narcissist and their Targets

Love-bombing is common for narcissists to display affection and hook admirers, fans, or love interests, also known as supply, by using positive attention and reinforcement, and love-bombing presents the strongest in the overvaluation stage. During love-bombing in regards to colleagues and the community, an NPD may use nicknames such as “sweetie,” “beautiful,” “love,” etc. to demonstrate a bond with others, use massive compliments, place targets on a pedestal, give excessive attention, and build targets up. The targets are known as narcissistic supply for the narcissists to gain attention, admiration, and control.

Some targets may notice a pattern of lies or exaggerations of stories or achievements of the narcissist. If confronted, the narcissist will most likely report that the target had misunderstood them. As more pieces start to unravel, the devaluation stage can emerge. Once the narcissist has gotten what they wanted, or their needs begin to change, they will quickly withdraw attention leaving the target confused. The narcissist typically has multiple sources of supply and may have moved on to praise a new main target that is perceived as a better main source. When confronted, the narcissist will minimize and externalize the blame, and the target may rationalize or internalize the behavior. It is common to find this dynamic as a pattern between the narcissist and the target.

The Discard Phase of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

In the discard phase, the narcissist has replaced old supply with new supply. The narcissist is a master at being victim or martyr in their past experiences, and the narcissist has a pattern of sharing these past experiences with new supply. The narcissist does an emotional cutoff from old supply and is not concerned with how the situation was left. They feel entitled to their behavior, and they may have provoked reactions from old supply that is now being described to new target as “crazy” or “obsessive.” They take no responsibility unless it is used as manipulation and they believe all the “bad” is because of someone else. They believe they are special, have no flaws, and they should be excused for any of their behaviors. In recovery from a narcissist, a target may benefit from learning the red flags of a narcissist as protection against being in a similar situation in the future. Narcissists are charming, may appear to be “nice,” and use others for their own gain. Recovery from a narcissist may involve treatment from emotional abuse, a smear campaign, and the confusion the victim experiences, and treatment can help with improving self-esteem, learning to manage symptoms of codependency, and identifying the vulnerabilities that opened the door to the narcissist and other mental health issues. Healing often involves grieving the narcissist and the persona that was presented. Stages of grieving may involve denial, anger, bargaining, and depression before moving into acceptance. Anxiety, paranoia, and second-guessing the self may also be present after a negative experience with a narcissist. In recovery, one can establish a plan for moving on without the PD person and regain control of their life. Treatment can also provide the right tools needed to ensure the narcissist cannot come back to manipulate and use the victim as supply in the future. The world has billions of people in it experiencing life every day, and the narcissist is only one of them.